Eating Elephants

There have been times in my life where I have felt like I was able to foreshadow a certain outcome in my future. Some people call this manifesting, yet, I’ve never really been able to get behind the ideology of manifesting something in my existence. It seems weird to think that some folks will say aloud “I’m manifesting…” and then have that manifestation come true. I believe what I’m trying to get at is that I have done things in my life without a clue as to what it actually meant at the time, but just having this gut feeling that in the moment it felt like it was the right thing to do. I’ll provide you with an example of this in regards to my own personal experiences. Back in 2019 I inked my back with a tattoo that displayed the duality of living in the woods as well as a life in the city. The portrait displays a traveler dressed in hiking attire, walking into a city. It also depicted a well groomed and well dressed city slicker, walking into the woods. Both characters were seemingly not dressed up to par for the destination that they would end up in and as they walked, they looked back at each other, seemingly questioning whether or not they were making the right decision. At the time, when I got the tattoo, my idea behind the concept was to portray an image between two individuals who were completely unsure about what they were doing and where they were going. I also wanted the tattoo to portray the idea that there are many paths to walk in this life and that it is natural to question whether or not the path that you are on is indeed the right one for you.

It is now 2026, 7 years after having laid on my stomach in that tattoo parlor, allowing a stranger to needle permanent ink into my body. I forget about that tattoo from time to time but when I see it, it is a splendid reminder to myself that it is ok to feel a little lost within my life. After 7 years, that very tattoo has also become an outline as to how my life has gone since then. In 2023 I was a clueless kid seeking out adventure and taking the first steps on the Appalachian Trail, a trail that would harbor my existence for 6 months. I was terrified of what I had gotten myself into way back then and as time went on and the miles ticked by, that fear of walking in the woods slowly turned into fear of returning to civilization, fear of not finishing what I started and fear of becoming completely unrecognizable to my friends and loved ones back home. I did however, return to civilization, I finished what I started (although not without a lot of pain and tears, not to mention shitting my pants as well), and I did, in a lot of ways become unrecognizable to friends and loved ones. Four months after I returned from walking in the woods I went back to work as a Valet Runner at the JW Marriott in Grand Rapids, and then came the traveler dressed in hiking attire, walking into the city. When I got that tattoo, I can say that I’ve always romanticized about the lifestyles of a person living in the city. Moreso in my formative years, the lifestyle of the traveler dressed in hiking attire speaks more to my soul than anything else.

Another example of this foreshadowing about my life that I speak of, is when I wrote my blog ‘The Rat in the Roundabout’. When I first sat down to write about that blog, it was coming from a place of empathy for a creature that most people view as a reviled rodent. The Rat in the Roundabout had been the first time in about a year that I actually felt moved to write about something, and it felt powerful to bring pen to paper on these prying thoughts. As I was writing that blog, I couldn’t help but to feel like the rat that was slowly and helplessly dying in the middle of that roundabout. I just want to clarify, I’m not actually slowly and helplessly dying but there certainly were days when I would make that 45 minute drive from Muskegon into the heart of downtown Grand Rapids, clock in and then for 8 hours I would try to appease a clientele who felt if they weren’t getting a riverside view, they were being treated unfairly and unjustly. Going from hiking 2,200 miles, living a lifestyle where the only thoughts, ideas and opinions I had to entertain were most often coming from my own pink matter; then to working for a company where it seemed as though my only value was displayed in how happy I could make a wealthy guest, one could understand why it felt like I was slowly and helplessly dying. When I was writing The Rat in the Roundabout I couldn’t help but think to myself, “maybe my time with this company, with this job, is coming to an end.” With that line of thinking, there comes a lot of worrying about how it would all end, what would be next for me, was there something out there that would prove to be more nourishing to my soul rather than selling my soul to the devil for a fucking tip?

About a week after I published The Rat in the Roundabout, I went into one of the busiest shifts I had ever worked at the JW. It was a Friday evening and every event center had a show going on that evening. It was the inaugural opening for the Acrisure Amphiteater and Lionel Richie was the opening act of the venue. On top of all that was happening in the city, the man himself, Lionel Richie was staying in our hotel. As I observed this brilliant artist from afar, I felt nothing but warmth and welcomeness radiating from this human being. He thanked me every time I held the door for him, he acknowledged the rest of the staff as normal human beings and was never rude to the constant bombardment of his fans within the hotel. He would take pictures with people, sign autographs, joke with the local jazz musicians who played in the lobby and by all appearances a very pleasant human being to be around.

As a valet runner, we have an operation that is called a park and pull. It’s pretty simple to figure out, if there is a car that needs to be brought down from the garage while simultaneously having a multitude of cars that need to be parked, we as valet runners simply grab the keys for the car that needs to be pulled down, we will park one of the cars that is in the roundabout close to the vehicle that needs to be brought down for the guest, run to that said vehicle, start it and then drive down the ramp to the guest that is waiting. During this operation, the runner will have two sets of keys on them so it is very important to make sure that the right set of keys is left in the car with the departing guest and that the other set, the set of keys for the car that you just parked, is removed from the vehicle and placed in our booth. This is an operation that I’ve done thousands of times as it keeps the flow of traffic moving a little better. It is way more efficient than parking a car, running all the way back down to grab the set of keys, run all the way back up into the garage and then grab that vehicle (not to mention, it saved these old knees from having to do unnecessary running, which I can ascribe to).

On this particular day, I made the massive mistake of leaving a set of keys in a vehicle that was departing, making their way to Ludington about an hour and a half away from the hotel. The guest called the hotel at about 1:30 in the morning telling them that they had two sets of keys in their vehicle and one of my managers had to drive out there the next morning to retrieve the other set of keys. I FUCKED UP! Back in March, I was put on a final notice for having a bad LQA (quality assurance) check in so making this critical mistake would surely spell my demise within the company. To be completely honest, I did not fit the part and while all of the employees that actually got to know me thoroughly appreciated who I was as an individual, I was still an outcast in the way that I thought about the company and the way that I behaved. I was brash, I would say outlandish shit to our guests, I had long blonde hair and I hardly ever followed the rules set out by managers that I either didn’t trust or didn’t respect. On several occasions, some of my higher up managers would find ways to disapprove me as an employee within the company. I knew as soon as I learned about my mistake that I would undoubtedly be getting a call from HR in the coming days, terminating my employment. Sure enough the next Tuesday, our head of HR reached out to me with one of my supervisors and they relieved me of my duties. Out of breath and a little more amped up than I should have been, I laid down my complaints about a few individuals that worked there, in my department but on different shifts. I had to at least try to explain the level of favoritism and nepotism that was happening within the company, if nothing else than for the sake of the rest of the staff that would continue their employment when I was long gone.

I gave myself a week to be angry, I argued fictitious conversations within my head with the people that I had beef with and then I allowed myself to be relieved of the stress that came with the job. The feeling of constantly looking over my shoulder because of the people who didn’t like me that had friends in high places. The feeling of no matter what I did, the very fiber of my being outcast me as an anomaly. Letting all of that go was the easiest thing I could have ever done because in my heart of hearts, I know who I am.

Yes I enter into the unknown once again and that tattoo on my back has never been as familiar as it is now. I can feel the bewildered looks and opinions from people closest to me in my constant thwarting of responsibilities of looking for a J.O.B. I have to admit that I am not ready to enter back into the world of employment and now my days are spent trying to return to a spur of creativity. I play guitar, I read books, I write what I feel without a worry that my job will look down on the words that I have produced, the woods have once again become my own personal jungle gym and I am feeling a true return to form more so than I ever have. I now know that I long to travel and to write about my findings and to share them with the world. I don’t know how exactly I’m going to make that happen but any dream can become a reality when we strive to meet the ends of that dream. It won’t unfold the way that I’m expecting and there most certainly will be roadblocks that deter me, that set me back. The pursuit of it gives me hope in my day to day activities however, and this in it’s own self is a motivating thought. As far as a level of income for myself goes, I have a few ideas. I have a car that I would like to list up for sale before the end of June, just working on a few things to make the vehicle more sellable. I have a plethora of clothes and household items that I no longer require use for, if I ever did to begin with, that I would like to sell in a yard sale. Lastly I am going to post my Venmo on this blog for anyone who might want to help me out in this process of finding a way achieve my goal of writing and travelling. Nobody is required to donate anything to me and if my words alone on anything that I’ve shared with the public has been enough to move you, then that is a compelling reason alone to keep writing.

“Let’s suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream that you wanted to dream. And that you could, for example, have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time. Or any length of time you wanted to have. And you would, naturally as you began on this adventure of dreams, you would fufill all your wishes. You would have every kind of pleasure you could conceive. And after several nights of 75 years of total pleasure each, you would say “Well, that was pretty great.” But now let’s have a surprise. Let’s have a dream which isn’t under control. Where something is gonna happen to me that I don’t know what it’s going to be. And you would dig that and come out of that and say “Wow, that was a close shave, wasn’t it?” And then you would get more and more adventurous, and you would make further and further out gambles as to what you would dream. And finally, you would dream … where you are now. You would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today.” -Alan Watts

F.Y.I. my venmo is @Jacob-Rohlman for anyone who might want to help me out in this process. No requirements but anything is useful and helpful.