Eating Elephants

I used to think that when I turned older, I would figure everything out. I would get the job, I would get the girl, I’d buy the house and I’d start a family. I’m not sure if it’s because I thought that it was something I was destined to do or if it was just my natural path as a man, yet still I long for the simplicity of such a life as well as the difficulties that present themselves.

Life has been interesting since I’ve returned from the trail and at times it feels as though a distant memory. So often have I been reminded of the very reason why I left to hike the trail in the first place, and something burns inside me to have that freedom again. To drop everything and take the little money that I have. To pack up and skip town with a couple goodbye notes left in my name. There are so many things that push me away, yet pull me in as always. The hardness of life can be brutal at times but without that brutal, sometimes it feels as though no lessons may be learned.

Tuesday, May 14th, I began to embark on a little road trip back on the road to Damascus, Virginia. This weekend is a festival called Trail Days, which serves as a meeting grounds for past thru hikers, present thru hikers/ section hikers and trail angels alike. To be frank, I’m not quite sure what to expect but that is an empowering feeling to walk into the unknown, holding an open mind for anything that may present itself. I have fond memories of my time in Damascus last year. Myself and some fellow hikers stuffed our faces in a pizza party at the local Pizza Plus and I bore witness to one of the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen; performing at a bar, playing a song from one of my favorite bands, Fleetwood Mac.

First, I’d like to summarize a brief run down of my life since summiting Mount Katahdin and flying back home from the airport in Bangor. For four months I lazily lounged around my parents house, reflecting on this fucking epic pilgrimage that I had, never knowing what would come next. My time in limbo allowed me the permission to cry, to laugh, to reacquaint myself with friends and loved ones and to my surprise, to feel a little lost about what lie ahead. After those four months of doing nothing, I decided that I should stop being a lazy fuck and go get a job. After all, I wanted my own place to cook my own meals, to be by myself, to walk around stark naked and play my guitar until the birds chimed in as a new day reset my restlessness.

I tried my hand at insulation and immediately found that this was something I DID NOT WANT TO DO. Instantly red flags sounded the alarm as my fellow insulators spoke of how “to be an insulator, it’s almost a right of passage to have been arrested somewhere along the way.” “Wellllll I do like taking risks, but I don’t fancy having a run in with the law anytime soon!” I thought to myself. That job lasted about three weeks. Still desiring a place of my own and an income to grant me that desire, I asked my good buddy Aaron to inquire about a job running valet at the JW Marriott that he used to work at. I had my interview with one of his former co-workers and a week later, on December 28th I had my orientation.

I met a girl and immediately, there were sparks between us on our first encounter. I, having lived on cloud 9 for the past year, was rolling. I had my mojo and things were absolutely going my way, in a state of flow that seemed fluid enough to fly at the pinnacle of all heights. I told myself many a time “don’t get too ahead of yourself Jake, with every high there is certain to be a low that ensues!” The tips at my job as a valet runner were soaring at first and I was raking in an exorbitant amount of money. I got my own place on the corner of Seminole and Seaway, my friendships and relationships with family were excellent and yes, I had the girl.

“With every high, there is certain to be a low that ensues.” I couldn’t get these words off my mind! Soon the rapid money making shifts turned into slow burning jobs that felt as though the shift would never end, sometimes coming away with only $30 in my pocket. The girl began to pull away and with the end of the relationship beginning to show its face, I felt myself withdrawing from friends and family, shelling up in order to try and hide my own fear and pain. Sadly it didn’t work out with her and I began to torture myself with “What Ifs”.

So? What do I do now? Where the fuck is this life taking me? When will I stop enduring for tomorrow and start living for today? I needed out and I needed a get away. To drive with a location in mind but no clear path as to how to get there. Hence, TRAIL DAYS awaits! It is now Thursday, May 16 and I made it to Damascus, Virginia. I didn’t know what to expect upon arrival but as soon as I entered into Appalachia Territory a deluge of rain pierced the sky, blocking the visibility of my drive. Back like I never fucking left! The forecast for the rest of the week reads rain and as the mountains persist to be socked in by daunting and gloomy clouds I arrive. I rolled up to the nearest trail head and tears began to form in my eyes. Stepping out of my car and kneeling down, I clutched a hand full of gravel and rubbed it between my hands. Then I strolled over to a light post with the all familiar white blaze on it and like I did so many times while hiking the trail, gently rubbed my palm over the dried up indicator that I was on the right path and stated “hello old friend”.

Per the advice of my good buddy Aaron, I’ve been listening to lectures by the late and great Alan Watts. He speaks about how in order to gain control in your life, you must first relinquish it. When we try to control every little thing that comes our way, we aren’t giving ourselves the energy to properly react to what comes next. We only can ever understand the past because we’ve been there and we have experienced it. Yet the future, wow the future is a beautiful thing, full of many surprises but if we’re too busy trying to control everything we might miss out on opportunities of happiness. So with all of that being said, here is to today. Here is to the unknown, to welcoming the stranger to sit at the table, to being optimistic that the sun may yet shine before the end of this trip, to surrendering control over my life and living for the here and now rather than the later and tomorrow. Here’s to new beginnings and I’m going to make damn sure I do it with a smile on my face. Here’s, to life! 🍻

Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.

-Alan Wilson Watts