Eating Elephants

March 17th will be a day I will not soon forget. It was saint patty’s day and I distinctly remember waking up at 5:00 a.m. with a knock from the rain. The night before we had stayed at Rock Gap Shelter. I had hoped to allow someone else the comfort of sleeping in the warm and cozy shelter, so I decided to set up my tent the night before. Waking up in the rain and breaking down my tent in it truthfully was not terrible. It was only after 7 hours of hiking through torrential down pour and wicked gusts of wind that I realized it would be a nuisance to me.

So let’s track back to the night before, Thursday, March 16th. This day showed semblance of an amazing day on the trail, as a few other hikers and I had just summited Mount Albert, completing a successful 12.5 mile day and soaking in some incredible views throughout our hike. As we got to camp we were the first ones to begin setting up shop and prepping our dinners. Countless hikers began to shuffle into camp and by the end of the night we rounded up to nearly 20-25. The reason so many people were camping in this specific spot was because just half a mile down the hill was the destination of everyone’s shuttle spot so they could all hitch a ride into Franklin, North Carolina. This wasn’t just a few hikers, it was quite literally every hiker within the camp that night.

As we had all settled in, myself and a fellow hiker from Australia no less, began to prep and spark a fire for the evening. As the embers of our warmth began to blaze, we all gathered around the small fire pit to share crazy hiker stories, as well as stories from back home that might spark some interest. Not too long after we set the fire ablaze, that campsite was howling with laughter, and our wildness after being in the woods for two weeks was at the center of that fuel. Everyone spoke of how many beers they would have the next day for saint patty’s day, stopping into town to take shelter from the rain. I had set myself up to push onward up the trail, and the stubbornness within me would not deviate from that plan. At the end of the day as we all lie down, even I felt good with our endorphins running high from the laughter and our morale boosted from a massive friendly encounter.

Friday, March 17th. We had all begun to tackle the morning and I had just watched the last of us depart for the shuttle. I was breaking down my tent within the shelter, taking cover from the rain. I was ready for this day, to hike its entirety through the rain. I set sail by 10:00 a.m; what came next is burned vividly into my memory. Not so much the trail itself, in fact I had set myself up so all I could see that day were my feet trudging along on the path. I came across very few hikers that day if any at all but my mindset and my emotional state of thinking will not soon be forgotten.

I hiked angry that day! I hiked with a burning rage and madness that pushed me to blaze 9 miles within 5 hours. A remarkable pace for me on that day. I was not mad at the situation, nor envious or jealous of the folks that were warm in town, I was just simply walking on rails. I can vividly remember this “F U” mentality and my competitive nature was at the epicenter of my rage. The benefit to hiking with such ferocity is it boils every ounce of blood within your body. You can quite literally feel the temperament provide warmth from your toes all the way up to your skull. I was hiking with a darkened view of the day and an incredibly dark energy that I was happy to add fuel to, as long as I could keep myself warm. It brought back memories to my competitive days in soccer. The days when I was cold and tired and it seemed like I had nothing left in the tank but I didn’t give a shit, bulldozing my way forward in order to prevail.

I also knew that I could not continue in such a manner as it would leave me truthfully ragged and exhausted from the physical and mental energy expelled. I had planned to stop and strip bare naked to allow my clothes the chance of drying at the next shelter, Siler Bald Shelter. I made my approach and the shelter itself was about another half mile completely off the trail, which made me furious. As I stumbled up to it I could see hikers already nestled into the shelter, later finding out that it was completely full! I made my way under the canopy and they could see the anger that I was displaying on my face, “what do I do now?”

As I threw my gear on the ground and began taking off my sopping wet gloves, I looked down at my hands. They were pruned in a way that I had never seen them, almost as if the life had been sucked right out of them. “Warm tea?” One of the guys asked me, realizing the agony I had just gone through. “I would love that, if you wouldn’t mind” as the pot boiled, I needed to start to think rationally. I could take a chance and hike seven more miles in the rain, most likely stumbling upon a shelter in the same situation, full to the brim. Or I could allow this day to humble me, take a loss on the day, and hike back down the mountain to get a shuttle into town, where I could rest, recover my strength and warmth and reassess.

I began making calls into town to see if there were any hotels or hostels that might have room and on my second call to the Sapphire Inn, the manager had told me he had two rooms available and there was a shuttle coming at the bottom of the mountain, 4 miles away, at 3:30 p.m. I looked at the time and it said 1:45 so I told him to reserve me a spot, I will make it there in time for the shuttle. I drank my tea, thanked the kid for his hospitality and how much it meant to me and mustered up the last bit of angry hiking that I could, to make it down the mountain. I arrived at the bottom by 3:09 p.m. and the shuttle came at 3:15 and departed by 3:20. Had I been just 10-15 minutes later I would have missed my window, leaving me screwed in the rain and 28 degree freezing of the night.

It’s Saturday, March 18th. As I reflect on how the day went yesterday, I realized that there is darkness and light within me, just as there probably is in most of us that walk the earth. Sometimes, on those rare occasions, we have to draw on that darkness in order to grind through a tough situation, however, we must never forget the things that keep us grounded. The simple cup of warm tea, the friendly gesture of a smile, the love and support of family and friends, the trail magic from a volunteer who receives nothing in return. I’ve learned a lot about myself so far, and I hope to learn, suffer, grow even more through this journey!

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

-Brene Brown