Eating Elephants

What if, out of the 8.142 billion people on earth, each one of those individuals picked up a single piece of trash every day for the rest of their lives? What if, instead of waking up to be mesmerized and hypnotized by our electronic devices, we took our first few breaths of a new day, outside our front doors, into the actual world itself? What if, instead of rushing to the next stop light down the road, we took our time and patiently made our way to that busy intersection. For if we are to be stopped at that red light, it might be easier to accept it for what it is. A moment for pause rather than an irritating impasse that we all clearly have to deal with but very few of us actually have the patience to tolerate. What if, instead of hunkering down inside when a storm rages outside, we actually went out and braved the elements that seem so frightening at the time? To feel the discomfort of Mother Nature as she sounds the alarm with sonic booms in the distance and rips open the sky with precipitation. One might find that the initial discomfort over such a threatening storm, could allow the space for excitement, a breath of fresh air, and a heightened sense of awareness as the world literally shakes around us. 

What if, instead of feeding into all of our social medias, constantly comparing ourselves to thousands of others who by appearances, certainly have it better than we ever could, we turned off our phones and literally said aloud so the world could hear, “this is MY LIFE!”? What if, instead of frowning at every face that we came across, we gave at least one simple smile to just one individual who looked like they could use a pick me up? After all, I’m sure each of us has walked down a sidewalk in the past week and noticed someone who looked like they could have used a little love and acceptance. What if, instead of breathing energy into the negative aspects of our lives and the world we live in, we fed the positive energy that surrounded us? What if, instead of creating enemies based on their political allegiances, we inquired about those individuals hobbies with a genuine curiosity rather than skeptical presumption? What if we gave one single stranger a hug everyday, let’s say for a month, rather than stepping over the downtrodden because they smelled like piss and shit? What if, instead of being so lazy that we choose to make a five minute drive in our cars to the local Taco Bell or McDonalds, we hopped on a bike or decided to go for a walk or a jog or a run, with no particular destination in mind, only with the focus of one foot in front of the other, ever trying to steady ourselves for the path that lay ahead? What if, instead of idolizing a monetary status full of wealth and riches, we placed a higher stock in our relationship to family and friends and loved ones?

I’ve been very quiet in my writing over the past year and I have definitely felt the struggle of writers block on subjects that pertain to everyday life. I have, for the most part, felt anger and frustration and dissatisfaction with the world that we presently live in. I’ve found it much easier to place blame on an individual or a situation that causes me discomfort within myself personally, rather than realizing a road block or a hiccup for it being just that. A temporary problem that I had fed way too much negative energy into. I took a pilgrimage two years ago that changed my life and the literal makeup of my identity, so it is no surprise to me that I find it so difficult at times to be stimulated by life. I haven’t very much to say on my blogs but the mind never stopped racing, never stopped asking itself about bigger questions so I suppose maybe some catching up might suffice. 

Over the past two years, I have fully rejoined the workforce and the steady grind of a monotonous life that I suppose is marked as normal everyday society. While I loathe that feeling, for the time being it will have to do until I can figure out my next move. I’ve worked in hospitality over the past year and a half and recently have been wondering what it does to the psyche to open the door for thousands of people everyday without ever actually getting to know any of these people. To just be ok with acknowledging a face and accepting a “thank you!” for my services. I’ve found a few adventurous outlets and have been able to go back-packing a few times, sometimes on solo adventures and a few with exceptional company. Yet, never finding that total freedom that I felt when I was hiking the Appalachian Trail. I met a girl and what started out as two people being “emotionally unavailable”, turned into a full on relationship with someone that I’ve grown incredibly fond of. While I find it difficult at times to express what I’m feeling with her, she has been patient with me and trying to figure out what kind of man and partner I am, and for that, I feel incredibly grateful. There’s something beautiful about falling in love that I forgot about. It strike’s lightning into your bones and you find yourself doing things that you never thought you would do were you still single, living a life of solitude. I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t the slightest of clues on what I’m doing, but it feels good to know that she accepts me for all that I am, as well as all that I am not. 

I’ve started working on a book and have progressed my way to 65 pages of what sometimes feels like fictitious scribbling. While it feels good to have written that much, there are days when it feels pointless to continue the effort, yet, I think I at least owe it to myself to finish this huge project that I’ve begun. I’ve watched a best friend move away and start his journey in climbing a corporate ladder, while navigating the stresses that befit his station. I’ve watched another best friend get engaged and navigate the planning of his wedding, as well as moving into a new house with his fiancée. I’m excited at the prospect of being in that wedding and witnessing he and his bride to be on their special day. I’m also excited at the event that our best friend group will all be gathered in celebration of the union of these two and I look forward to getting drunk and making fools of ourselves as we know how to do. 

In the past year I’ve found it incredibly important to be able to look forward to things. Maybe it’s a vacation, maybe it’s a wedding, maybe it’s a graduation, maybe it’s a celebration of life with a birthday or a new born coming into this world. A way to find a little bit of light in what sometimes seems to be an oppressively dark world. There are two specific events that I’m really looking forward to over the next six months. One, is a trip to Italy with my girlfriend as we’ll be visiting the European country for a week. She has already been, when she studied abroad a few years ago, and this will be my first time out of the country. I’m giddy at the opportunity to experience a completely different culture in a completely different country for the very first time in my life. I’m even more exuberant to experience it with her, and to navigate a vacation with each other in a location that holds a special place in her heart. I’ll rely on her to show me around the place and I know that we’ll have a great time together. The second, is a three week expedition into the Amazon Jungle. The trip embarks on the 4th of January and will be ending on the 24th of the same month. Now, the expedition is giving me the same excitement that I had prior to hiking the Appalachian Trail. It envelopes the prospect of the unknown, with the expectation that I’ll be treading in entirely new and foreign territory. One that will certainly require some sort of adjustment period on my behalf and this thrills me in such a way but also frightens me. Comparative to the sensations I felt before walking 2,000 miles. 

I know not what awaits me when I return and the concept of walking away from my position as a valet runner has certainly been entertained. I’ve romantically fantasized about buying a van and turning it into my own personal project, creating a mobile living arrangement with only the absolute essentials of a comfortable life. To be able to pick up the keys and push them into the ignition, allowing the tread of the tires to take me where ever I want to go. The idea of aimlessly wandering around and stumbling upon some hidden gems, some spectacular sights and lauded locations that I could imagine was something especially waiting for me to discover. 

I would like to close this passage out with a story about an incident from a couple weeks ago. My girlfriend and I were driving towards the Lakes Mall in Muskegon, Michigan (which isn’t really a mall anymore) and we were looking for breakfast options to relinquish our grumbling stomachs. I was behind the wheel and she was in the passenger seat and we had just pulled up to a red light but we were also turning right. It was a two lane right hand turn and we were in the further most left lane. As the light turned green and permitted us to make our move, I pressed on the accelerator and began to swing my steering wheel to make the apex. Now, most two lane right hand turns have a dotted or a dashed line marking the guideline that the car on the outside should be following. This specific turn’s dotted lines are incredibly hard to spot so it’s a little more of a guessing game. I had felt like I was making the turn in the appropriate lane and providing enough space for the vehicle to my right to make the maneuver. Halfway through the turn, this big black Chevy Silverado pulls up on the tail end of my Subaru and just lays on the horn for about 30 seconds. Even getting out of the turn and continuing straight, he was still laying on his damn horn. 

I’m not sure if it was because I felt like I was being tested in front of my girlfriend by another man, and hadn’t experienced that feeling in a very long time. I’m not sure if it was because I hadn’t much sleep the night before and was highly grouchy and incredibly irritable. Hell, it could have even been the fact that I was wearing my black WuTang shirt and was just ready for a good little scrap with anyone who wanted to test my nerve on that particular day. Whatever the reason, I was feeling very triggered by the situation that we found ourselves in and at one point I looked out past my girlfriend, through the passenger window and in at the man who so obnoxiously needed to tell me I was in the wrong. Both pairs of eyes completely off the road and fixed on each other. He cussing me out I’m sure and me throwing my arms up as if to say “what the fuck is your problem?!” 

It was ugly, on both parts. After about 5 minutes of me being silent and my girlfriend filling the awkward silence with random chatter, I told her that I was incredibly triggered by that man. She made a joke and asked if we were going to have to get into a fight with a random stranger that day, unto which I quickly said yes and it made me feel a little better. It took me a couple hours to fully bring myself back into a balanced state of emotions and I usually don’t get so riled up by scenarios of the sort, but when I do, it feels like a bombshell is waiting to erupt. It wasn’t that the man in the massive black Chevy Silverado was just trying to tell me that I was in the wrong. A simple honk would have sufficed and allowed me to correct my course. It was the fact that what I was doing  had made him so made that he was ready to literally come to blows or total each others car for a simple mistake, which I didn’t realize I was making at the time, if indeed it was even a mistake on my part. Surely we both had better things to do with our days than to get into a pissing match over so little a traffic violation. 

I wanted to tell that story because in a lot of ways, I find some striking similarities between road rage and the current state of our world as we live. Most of us are traveling in our own little vehicle, our own little bubble, and if someone says something cross to us or passes over us with their judgement, then it’s fuck you and everything or everyone you care about. So easily riled and quick to show knives with emotions that could be replaced with a deep breath and a smile. Trust me, I get what it’s like to want to burn the world to the ground. To shatter every relationship that you’ve ever cultivated. To build up the impenetrable walls so high that you yourself no longer have the tools necessary to scale it. I understand what it’s like to value money over relationships. I understand what it’s like to step over the downtrodden because they smell like piss or shit. I know what it’s like to bury my face in my phone and give little regard to the world that revolves around me. 

I didn’t start this blog off in the fashion that I did because I wanted to present whoever might read this with some sort of guideline or code of ethics.  It’s more so a reminder for myself that I can be all of those things mentioned in the first two paragraphs. I can be a double edge sword on any given day but I find that when I care about the world around me, when I pick up the trash on the sidewalk, when I care about the downtrodden and the homeless, when I peer out into the world and discover it with a naked eye rather than through the lense of my cellphone and when I resort to biting my tongue rather than lashing out in retaliation no matter what somebody does to me, I am a better man for it. What is it that centers you? That reminds you to be grateful of all that you have in your life instead of mourn and dread all that this life has neglected you of? No one person is alike to another, yet we are all interconnected in ways that our human brains can’t even begin to fathom, and that, is a beautiful thing!

“All things are connected like the blood that unites us. We do not weave the web of life, we are merely a strand in it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.”

-Chief Seattle