Eating Elephants

Where do we go from here, now that you are no longer near? How can we possibly manage to grab the wheel and steer, now that you are no longer near? How can we possibly overcome this daunting fear, now that you are no longer near?

Who is it that we’ll look to to give us 150% effort, no matter the result, no matter the day, no matter the weather or how the tides change throughout the game, because in the end we could always count on you to be right here! Who will we look to to go crazy off the bench just because you made a tackle? Who could possibly run as fast as you in those ten pound weighted shin guards? Whose eyes will we look into when we need to see that spark, that gleam that proves that this life is pure and precious and worth every second of it? 

How do we possibly find the words, when there are no words to describe this feeling? How do we possibly find a way to move forward, through our daily steps of tomorrow, when we know that tomorrow brings another day of you being no longer near? We may find it difficult for a time, to find that same fire that you lived with inside. To seemingly make the most of each moment, as if it were the only moment that could ever possibly count. 

For now we say goodbye with an aching empty pit inside of our hearts. It’s not a goodbye forever situation, more like an until next time could fit the part. As far as figuring out how to go about our day to day lives, we may never have the answer as to how to proceed. However, from here on out, we’ll move forward with you on our minds because although you’re no longer near, deep down you will still always be right here. 

I’ve been trying to find the right way to write this blog and every time I’ve even thought about it, it brings a trembling and profound sadness to me. Our soccer season has officially ended and it brought a whirlwind of emotions, with the end resulting in an outcome that left us out of playoffs. Reaching the playoffs was a goal that we had from the start of the season which abruptly shifted on October 10th. For me personally it was a hectic day as we had a massive event at work, pushing me to rapidly shuffle from car to car writing out tickets and talking to a high volume of people. After about four hours of constant movement we had a bit of downtime, which I used as an opportunity to check my phone. Sam, our head coach of the team, sent me a text with urgency behind it expressing that he needed to talk to me. So I pulled away for a brief moment and gave him a call. As Sam picked up the phone he tried to steady himself for the devastating news he had just received and was about to deliver to me. “Hey man, I know this is going to ruin your night and I’m sorry about this. Mikey took his own life yesterday.” The silence was deafening as the floor just fell out from both of us, attempting to wrap our minds around the fact that this young man that we’ve coached from a young age was no longer with us.

I told Sam that I had to hang up because in my mind, in that moment, I was going to try and finish out my shift. As soon as I hung up the phone I knew that was not something I would be able to do as I burst into tears and knelt down on the cold floor of our luggage closet. I gathered myself and went out to let the guys know what was going on and that I needed to leave as soon as I possibly could. I sent a text to our group chat asking if someone could come and relieve me and got an immediate response from one of the guys saying he could come in so I packed up my things, went downstairs and changed and clocked out. On a very somber walk back to my car, I threw my hoodie over my head and broke down about four more times before getting back to my vehicle. I called Sam back once I got to my car and we shared tears in our disbelief as to the situation we found ourselves in. The next person I called was my mother. I told her what happened and that I loved both her and my father. (A bit of information about who Mikey was. He was a young man on our team for the 2024 soccer season.)

What I’m going to say next is going to seem very off topic so bear with me. About two weeks into our season I had a confrontation with one of our international players from the United Kingdom. In one of our pre-season scrimmages he was expressing an air of cocky arrogance, demanding his teammates around in a tone that would be hard for anyone to respond to in a positive manner. Coming off from a couple hours of sleep, I was highly irritable and ready for a confrontation with just about anyone, he happened to be the one to push me to my breaking point. So I called him over to the sideline about five different times, eventually after he finally stopped ignoring me he slowly sauntered into my direction. Fuming from my head to my toes, you could probably see steam coming out of my cranium, I asked as he got to me to describe the difference between confidence and arrogance. After about 15 minutes of heated banter I think we both came to the conclusion that despite what was going on in that moment, we needed to find a common ground and a common respect for each other, rather than walking away hating each others guts. I finally calmed down and explained to him why I was so upset and that I shouldn’t have come at him the way I did. He accepted my apology and also apologized to me for treating his teammates the way that he was and the dispute that we had. At the end of our training I acknowledged to the rest of the team how heated we got, yet I also told them no matter how mad you might become with one another throughout the season, how incredibly important it was to maintain respect for one another. Although you may not always see eye to eye with one another, it’s important to resolve your conflicts without walking away with hatred in your hearts towards your teammates. That young man and I had a few more run-ins throughout the rest of the season and I always wondered if he felt like I despised him.

Fast forward to the devastating news that tore all of our worlds apart. The news came on a Thursday in which Sam called an emergency meeting for the team to let them all know what happened. The next day we were scheduled to leave for Ohio for a game against Cuyahoga Community College. That morning came with a shock as therapists entered the room, providing their best efforts to console us which ultimately felt like the least comforting thing that could have happened that week. Sam and I told the boys that we were going to leave the choice up to them on whether or not they wanted to still travel for the game. Unanimously the decision was that we were playing for Mikey that weekend and there was no way in hell we weren’t making that game. I’ll admit that at first I wasn’t so sure if traveling was the right choice but on that bus ride, the team grew into an entity that was far greater than just some regular team. We became a family, intertwined by devastation, yet bonded by wild conversations that will never leave that bus.

To my surprise the bus ride was full of laughter and joy rather than sadness and sorrow. You see, in the state of shock that we were in, we needed to be with each other. We needed to have these fucked up conversations and to shed some light and laughter on so dark a situation. We went to dinner as a team at the one and only T.G.I.F (Thank God It’s Friday). The food was forgettable to say the least, yet the company that was shared was wholesome. As Sam and I retired to our rooms, like the old men that we are, the boys decided to go out and take a walk together. The stories the next morning that they had to share sounded as intriguing as any adventure I could dream up. While Sam and I worried about them, they most likely were out having time well spent with each other that I couldn’t possibly muster up to take away from them.

Saturday rolled around, it was game day! As the magnitude of the day began to catch up to me, I sat in my hotel room, stretched, meditated, and listened to some Alan Watts. I wasn’t quite sure what the day would present but I could feel deep down, that at some point it was going to be emotional as all get out. We had breakfast together with a few late risers coming down to prepare themselves a plate. We hopped on the bus with the music blasting but it felt like the boys were so ready for this game in particular. We arrived to the field and for the most part, went through our normal progressions of a warmup. Before the game started I contemplated telling the guys that this would be an emotional game. That whatever emotions boiled up there was one that I wanted them to leave out. Hatred! I decided not to say it because after all, some of them might be angry and maybe on that day we needed that to get us through the grueling match that it would turn into.

As the whistle blew we got off to a wicked start, scoring in the first five minutes of the game. After that it seemed as though we were going through the motions, a shell of our true potential. Cuyahoga clung to that 1-0 deficit and as time passed on, they began to grow into the game. It became one hell of a battle, almost as if we all blacked out and were going to war for one another. Sam was on the sideline screaming and pitching his hat every which way and you could feel the depth of every single tackle that was being put in. At one point the ball bounced out of bounds, right into Sam’s hands so he scooped it up and was immediately smothered by one of the Cuyahoga players, a terrible idea on that kids part. At that, all of the boys and myself included were ready to get involved with a full team brawl on the brink of happening, right in front of our bench. No punches were thrown thankfully and Sam I did our best to control our emotions and usher the players back onto the field and back to each others respective dugouts. A wild first half indeed!

At halftime we settled ourselves down and prepared for a speech. The same kid that I got into it with at the beginning of the season impressed me with the intuition of what he said. “Boys, we have to use our emotions in the right way!” WE HAVE TO USE OUR EMOTIONS IN THE RIGHT WAY! Unto that I made my point to leave out one emotion. Hatred. We did not travel all this way to play with hatred in our hearts. We traveled all this way for the sheer love of the game, and for Mikey!

The game all blurs together for me as I reminisce the events that unfolded. Somewhere along the way Cuyahoga tied it up to make it 1-1. It was an epic back and forth battle throughout that second half but we eventually prevailed, netting a second goal to give us the edge at 2-1. When the final whistle blew, it was as if the whistling tea pot finally exploded with an outpouring of emotions from all of us. Almost all of our guys that were on the field at the final whistle dropped to their knees, head in hands, and tears streaming down our faces. There was a beautiful moment at the end when we could all finally feel each other’s closeness in our huddle. As the boys went over to thank our traveling fans there was one kid that was knelt over, crying. Can you guess who? The kid that I got into it with at the beginning of the season. In this tender moment I realized something. This young man who was thousands of miles away from his friends, his family, his loved ones needed someone to be there for him. So I went over to him, raised him up so we were standing together and I just held him. I held him tight and rubbed my hand through his hair and we cried together. Even now as I write this down I can’t help but to cry over that moment. Everything that he and I personally had been through together was quashed, like a true family should be, we were there for each other.

Like I said before, the season did not have the ending that we hoped and longed for but it brought so many deep and cherished life lessons that I can’t help but to become weepy about. I’ve never been more proud of a group of young men than I am of that team, that family, for all the emotional and mental battles that they overcame, that we still attempt to overcome.

The funeral for Mikey was a week later and it was a great remembrance of who this beautiful soul was and the everlasting impact that he will have. The opening passage of this blog was something that I wrote when I first heard of the news, originally writing it as a letter to give to his parents. After about a half hour of witnessing the courage of all these young people walking up to the mic, struggling through tears and sharing a precious memory of Mikey, I mustered up the courage to stand in front of a couple hundred people and share the words intended for Mikey’s parents. I needed to say it; for myself, for his parents, for all those who loved and cherished Mikey and most importantly for my boys. I needed them to hear that it’s ok to not have the answers to this life. I needed to look in their eyes about the ‘how precious this life is’ bit and I needed to hear them laugh over the weighted shin guard joke (which they did).

This life can be a terrible beast to burden at times. When the weight of it all comes tumbling down onto your shoulders, don’t forget that there are those who love you. Who will be there for you when you need a laugh in a dark time. A shoulder to cry on through the solemn sadness of it all. You are never truly as alone as you may feel and if the day just doesn’t seem to be going your way, don’t forget that the sun will still rise tomorrow and that sometimes, all you have to do is just get through that day.

I feel as though I’m rambling on now at this point but please, if anyone reading this is feeling that dark depression seeping into your heart, don’t bottle it up. Let it out, even if it falls on the ears of a complete stranger. For sometimes those complete strangers have the best insight as to how you’re feeling. As someone who deals with his own depression, I can tell you that this life is far too beautiful to relinquish it on the barrel of a gun, or the grips of a noose, or the sharp edges of a blade or any other imaginable way to rob yourself of something so beautiful.

I cannot even begin to describe the power of sport. In my 29 years of life, sports have been one of my greatest relievers of the darkness of this world. A girl broke up with me, good let’s put that repressed frustration into our craft. School is feeling like it’s getting the best of you, good let’s control what we can in the sport that we love so dearly. Life seems to be getting you down, good let’s rely on our teammates, our brothers or sisters to carry a bit of that load for us. Like any great lover, sports, in particular soccer for me, has always been something that I could fall back on. An outlet where I could forget about all of my problems and focus all of my energy on the next game or the next training. What happened this past season sure was dark and may have even left some of us feeling lost or hollow. Yet, this season was nothing short of a miracle in how those young men banded together, thick as thieves ready to face whatever challenge might have been thrown at us.

His name was Michael Anthony Williams and he will leave an everlasting impression on the 2024 Muskegon Community College Jayhawks. Not by way of his death but how he LIVED with such vigor and so much care and love within his heart for whomever had the pleasure of being graced by his presence. Rest in Peace my friend, until we meet again.