Eating Elephants

How much can one stand before they turn evil? To what are the depths of hell that one would give into? The greater question, how does true individual evil appear and how is it measured? Measured by comparison of other historical individuals who committed such egregious crimes that horrify the devil himself? Or is it measured in the simple petty slip ups each day? Maybe lying to your wife about where you’d been when the truth would have saved an argument. Maybe telling your boss you were late because of a traffic back up, in reality you just couldn’t wake up to the first alarm?

You see we all have things that make us tick, to misbehave in some orderly fashion that reasons with logic. However, what actually drives a person to continuously slip down the wrong path, unto no avail, seemingly no redemption to clutch? One who society casts aside and marks them insane. If I were to offer you a choice between cutting your best friend out of your life for 20 million dollars or being poor for the rest of your life which path would you take? If I were to tell you that your significant other was dying and there was a way of saving them, only to later confess that you must first murder 5 criminals. Would you save the love of your life or would you spare the guilty? What made them criminals in the first place even?

I have to ask these questions because life throws a curveball into even the most brilliantly thought out plans, foiling what once was a great dream. I’m deeply fascinated with the story arc behind one of the greatest villains in cinematic history, Darth Vader. For those of you who don’t know this villain, first off I’m sorry you’ve been deprived of Star Wars. Every individual is born into innocence, covered in slime and completely co-dependent on their mothers. Darth Vader, being only a character in a fictional story, embodies the downfall of a good human being who at one point was that same slimy innocent individual that you and I had once been.

Born a slave and forced to watch his mother die would have been enough to enrage any good human being. I think most people would claim that this is life and sometimes life can be a cruel beast to burden. Something like turn the other cheek because to do the opposite would be sinful but tell me, what would you do to those that took away the person that brought you into this world? Anakin Skywalker’s departure from light to dark, becoming Darth Vader, is tragic in more ways than one. He was a son to a loving mother, a son/ brother/ and best friend to his mentor/master obi-wan, a husband to his wife padme, a father like figure to his own apprentice; Ashoka, eventually becoming a father to his own two children; Luke and Leia. Throughout his journey to becoming evil there were several steps that lead to his destruction and the round table could sit and chat for hours about the final blow that tipped the scales. I believe it was a culmination of everything he had been through. The fear of loss, the fear of failure and an insatiable lust for power grips at the heart in a vicious way.

My fascination is rooted within this character because in so many ways I see myself in him. It doesn’t take a lot to let anger rear its ugly head in this life, peering out through all the angry faces I see when I drive down the road. Thousands of people captured by road rage, arguing over their political allegiances, furious about how much a typical professional athlete makes. So easily riled we are these days and quick to blame anyone or anything other than ourselves or the situations we put ourselves in. I find that same anger and mischievous curiosity coursing through my veins knowing that my life is always just one catastrophic event away from the engulfment of truly debilitating darkness.

A strange time to curiously ponder what true evil looks like. Thanksgiving happened recently and words cannot express how thankful I am for my family who consistently shoulder my needs and struggles. This past year unveiled a significant amount for me to personally be thankful for. I accomplished an 2,200 mile trek lasting 6 months, discovering what it’s like to truly be at peace with who I am as an individual. I faced the universe and had an open dialogue with it, even yelling at it from time to time expressing my gravest displeasures. There are few things in this world that I’ve discovered as truly meaningful to me: my family, my friends, soccer, music, writing, and hiking. It takes a true fucking masochist to delve into a 15-20 mile day along the Appalachian Trail..for 6 months!!

Last week the whole gang and I flew out to Arizona to share thanksgiving with our grandparents/ great grandparents/ parents for the first time in years. We shared in great conversation and fond memories over black and white pictures, played cards and called each other assholes every time we received a bad hand, conspired in laughter at the blunders that only family members may discover together. It was a truly wonderful week that I’ll fondly reminisce. One of the best things I did this week was to get back out and take a hike. It was my first big hike since returning from the trail with the exception of the occasional 2-5 mile stroll at pj hoffmaster with minimal difficulty. A 10 mile day through Pima Canyon Trail, reminding me of the grueling and difficult terrain towards the end of the AT. It was an out and back, climbing through a valley for 5 miles only to turn back around and hike back down the mountain the same way. I’ll admit, I fucking hated that climb but as a true masochist does, I made it the top and sat down to guzzle some water and smoke a joint. The desert is not a forgiving place for the unprepared.

Like so many times on the AT , the difficulty of the day proved to be worthwhile. Ready to think deeply and walk down a steep mountain I took my first step back towards the car park that my brother in law had dropped me off at three and a half hours earlier. My body had been physically expelled to its limits, my knees were screaming at me “I thought you were done with this shit!”, my lips had begun to bleed from how dry the climate was and the gap between consuming any sort of sustenance would be seven hours. A long day without food of any sorts!

Despite these minor setbacks, there is something to be said about being outside and exerting a decent amount of energy physically. There’s something even more to be said about taking in the moment of a difficult hike, observing how the birds chirp as the sun begins to set and an unnatural being strolls through their natural surroundings. I’ve walked through 14 different states but there is nothing like walking in the desert, surrounded by 50 foot saguaro cactuses with arms spanning 40 feet wide, flowing with a wave like motion of a 70’s disco party. On my way down the mountain I realized that this is part of me, I crave this thing, this movement, this low and this high because when I become consumed with a screen in front of my face I turn into a desolate drone mindlessly maneuvering through life. As I approached the car park I felt an overwhelming surge to run the rest of the way. With my shirt off, hair pulled up in a top knot, and a random stick I found on the hike, I began to rapidly descend, focusing on the ground and the precision of each step. Out of nowhere I looked up to my left and there was a couple sitting down reading together but when they saw me, their eyes left their books and stared at me in bewilderment, as if I were some strange animal in the wild.

I looked at them and jolted in a shock. “Holy shit you guys scared the fuck out of me!” The palpable tension subsided and we all laughed at the remark as I made my way down to the car park feeling a little embarrassed about the ordeal. I sat down and threw my shirt on, waiting for Scott and Hilary to pick me up for dinner. Not 10 minutes later the couple came down and I tried to make conversation with them which eventually led to the guy telling me about a couple other hikes in the area as well as them asking me if I needed a ride somewhere. I told them my ride would be arriving soon but I appreciated the offer and we exchanged names as they hopped in their car and drove away. Looking back on the moment I imagine I came across as a very strange individual but I remember this feeling of balance within myself and my sanity very much intact.

It was refreshing to have a genuine conversation with two complete strangers, something I feel has been lacking since I returned home in September. What’s even more refreshing are the subtle reminders that despite all of the evil and darkness in the world, we’re all trying our best to navigate this life. Most people can display a large amount of affection towards one another when we provide a helping hand expecting nothing in return. No incentives, no motives and no guarantee of satisfaction. I think most of us are capable of evil. Of thinking evil thoughts, of making harmful remarks towards others, of not giving a fuck about anything or anyone other than ourselves. Yet then again we are capable of greatness, of such desirable compassion, of empathy.

Native American Elder says to grandchild: inside each of us 2 wolves are at war – one is white and is full of joy laughter encouragement and positive energy. The black wolf is full of envy anger hate and resentment.

Grandchild asks-which one wins? Elder says – the one you feed

There is light and darkness in each of us.

This is something my friend Miriam Bush sent to me while I was on the trail, fitting for the concept of how this blog has been written. Darth Vader committed heinous crimes against humanity as a Sith Lord, unforgivable to most that had the misfortune of crossing paths with him. In the end he found a sense of redemption through his son, just before passing away. No matter how far you fall there will always be moments in life that reach out to us, pulling our humanity back into the light.

“Luminous beings we are, not this crude matter.” —Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back